


The Judgement of Andrew

by popstarryeyed (hermione_of_vulcan)



Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Andrew Hozier-Byrne (Musician)
Genre: Gen, and andrew says 'fuck' and 'ehm' a lot, heavily inspired by rick riordan's take on greek myth, since that's what got me into greek myth in the first place, the gods are all assholes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-12 01:15:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19121620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermione_of_vulcan/pseuds/popstarryeyed
Summary: Apollo and Artemis argue over who gets to be the patron god of a certain mortal musician, and they enlist him to choose between them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There are a ton of references to specific myths and Hozier songs sprinkled throughout, see if you can spot them :)

“Look, _bro_ , people call Hozier a _lesbian forest spirit_! How is that _not_ my division?” Artemis threw her hands in the air dramatically.

“He’s a musician! I am literally the _God. Of. Music_!” Apollo retorted, punctuating each word of his title with a clap.

She rolled her eyes. “You can’t _possibly_ claim _every_ musician! That’s ridiculous!”

“Oh, I _can_ , and I _will_ , especially if the musician in question is such a lover of music himself. I mean, Almost (Sweet Music) lists all those fantastic songs I inspired, it’s just straight up pandering to me.”

She crossed her arms. “Oh, you want to talk pandering? Did you hear what he said about the lesbians? _I’m out here too_?”

“What, are you gonna let him join the Hunters? ‘Cause letting men join the Hunters went _so well_ last time.”

Artemis snorted out a laugh. “You think I’m that dumb?”

“No, I just can’t believe we’re even _having_ this conversation! He’s a man, you don’t like men, ergo he’s not yours!”

“Just because I don’t like them romantically doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate when they’re good. He respects women, unlike certain gods I could speak of.”

“Hey!”

* * *

Hestia’s lip curled upward in amusement as she watched Apollo and Artemis continue to bicker, loud enough, it seemed, for all Olympus to hear. From her bench behind a bush, they couldn’t see her, and that was just what she wanted. She had a policy of never getting involved in Olympian arguments, but she did like knowing when they were happening. After all, she had to be available to step in when things stopped being funny and started getting serious, right?

And they hadn’t gotten to that point yet, so here she was.

“Hey, Hestia.”

Hestia turned around and came face to face with Athena’s piercing grey eyes.

“What’s going on?” the wisdom goddess asked. “Usually you’re not one to eavesdrop.”

“Apollo and Artemis are arguing over who gets to be the patron god of some mortal musician. It’s getting pretty heated and I’m watching in case I need to intervene and calm them down.”

Athena nodded. “Fair enough, but...wouldn’t musicians be Apollo’s sphere of influence? Seems like an odd argument for them to be having.”

Hestia shrugged. “Apparently, this musician has some kind of connection with forest-dwelling lesbians.”

“Well, that _is_ fascinating,” Athena said. “Mind if I join you?”

“Go right ahead.”

* * *

 “Look, Apollo, I don’t get why you’re so threatened by me. Usually you don’t pause before, ahem, _claiming_ some handsome young musician. It’s almost like you know he won’t be interested.”

“How do _you_ know that? Just because you only like women doesn’t mean everyone does!”

 “Ha!” Artemis scoffed. “I meant that even if he _does_ like men, he won’t like you.”

Apollo snorted. “Ah yes, the musician will _obviously_ turn down the god of poetry and music. I inspired all of his favorite artists and poets, while _you_ didn’t read Yeats or Heaney or listen to Nina Simone or Ella Fitzgerald until he mentioned them! Why would he want _your_ patronage?”

“I can’t imagine why he’d want yours!” Artemis fired back. “Everything about him indicates he’s allergic to arrogance!”

* * *

“Hestia? Athena? What are you two doing?” Aphrodite stood behind them, a confused frown creasing her beautiful face.

Athena jerked her head away from the gap between branches that they were using as a peephole, clearly ashamed to be caught gawking, so Hestia answered. “We’re listening to Apollo and Artemis argue, just trying to make sure we don’t have to intervene.”

“Huh.” Aphrodite craned her neck to listen, and her eyes widened. “Artemis is fighting over a _man_? I never thought I’d see the day!”

“For once, I agree with you,” Athena said. “It’s not a good look on her.”

“Why don’t they just have the human decide who he wants as his patron?” Aphrodite asked, settling down on the bench next to her.

“That's a terrible idea!” Athena said.

“You're just saying that because Paris didn't pick you.”

“Hey!”

Hestia put a hand between the two goddesses. “Hey, now, remember, that’s all in the past.”

Athena and Aphrodite glared at each other, and Hestia could see them weighing the consequences of continuing the argument and deciding against it.

* * *

Apollo fumed, beginning to quite literally glow with rage. “If he didn’t want my patronage, why would write a song about being in love with sunlight where he compares himself to Icarus! It’s like he knows the gods are still here, and he singled me out personally!”

“Oh yes, the song where he says that he’d ‘betray the moon as acolyte’, as in, he knows that falling in love with the sunlight would be a betrayal of his true ruler!”

“Since when were you advertising yourself as a moon goddess?”

“Well, _sorry_ I don’t brag enough about how fancy my chariot is!”

“I don’t know, clearly he’s impressed by a burning Maserati!”

“He warmed his hands over it! By that logic, anybody who uses the sun to warm them up is impressed by you, and we all know _that_ isn’t true!”

* * *

“Hey, do you know which mortal musician they’re fighting over?”

The three goddesses turned around.

“I’m concerned for that poor mortal’s well-being,” Demeter said.

“His name is Hozier,” Hestia said. “And we’re monitoring the situation to make sure nothing goes wrong.”

Demeter’s eyed widened in recognition. “Oh, I’ve heard of Hozier! Persephone told me – apparently, some of his fans are claiming that he and some other musician named Florence Welch are like Hades and Persephone.”

Aphrodite clicked her tongue thoughtfully. "You know, back in the day, we’d smite mortals for claiming to be gods,” she said.

Demeter shrugged. "Well, according to Persephone, Hozier and Florence Welch haven’t actually claimed to be gods, it's just their fans."

Aphrodite laughed. "Hah! That doesn't matter, you still have to smite the false gods."

"Remember, they're not false idols if the mortals don't think you're real," Hestia chided gently.

"Yeah, and the last time you tried to do that, she ended up as your daughter-in-law,” Athena added. “You're literally the only god who cares anymore."

Aphrodite scoffed. “That's because nobody gives a shit about weaving anymore, but everybody wants to be Aphrodite or Venus.”

Athena raised her eyebrows, offended, and Hestia put a hand between them again. “Aphrodite, that wasn’t nice.”

Aphrodite sighed. “Sorry.”

Demeter rolled her eyes. “Well, any case, Hades and Persephone don’t mind. It’s actually caused a bit of an increase in worship.”

“Wow,” Athena said. “I understand why they – ” She tilted her head, frowning. “That’s weird, I don’t hear Apollo and Artemis. _Oh_.”

Artemis stepped out from behind the bush, her hands on her hips and a cold look in her eye. “Have you been listening this _whole time_?” she asked. “And not _one_ of you thought to step in and help me?”

“Or me!” Apollo added. “My case is stronger.”

“Shut up, Apollo!”

“ _You_ shut up!”

Hestia threw her hands up. “I don’t take sides. I think you should just drop it, actually.”

“We know, Hestia,” Artemis said. “Anybody else?” She waited a moment, and when nobody spoke up, she sighed. “C’mon, Athena, you’re my friend!”

"Yes, and as your friend I would say that fighting over a man is out of character for you,” Athena retorted.

Artemis looked disappointed, but she did give a bit of a shrug, as if to say _yes, I understand your objections_.

“Wait, are you on my side?” Apollo said, looking thrilled. He had a right to be – Athena rarely sided with him.

Athena snorted a laugh. “Never!”

He looked crestfallen and scanned the crowd for some support. “Hey, Demeter, we've got that whole sunlight/plants relationship going, wanna help me out here?"

She shook her head. "No, I don’t think it’s my place to intervene. This mortal gets compared to Hades, and he doesn’t have a problem with it, so I don’t see why I should care."

His mouth dropped open.

" _Hades_?!" Apollo screeched. "Hades knows _nothing_ about human musicians! He only _just_ got into Aretha Franklin!” He wheeled on Artemis. “I bet you don't even know who Aretha Franklin is!"

Artemis looked aghast. "Ex _cuse_ me, I know who Aretha Franklin is! A woman who demanded respect! Which I am not getting!"

"I think you should ask the mortal to decide between you," Aphrodite piped up. "Ask him who he wants as his patron god."

Apollo brightened. "That's great! Every musician would want the favor of Apollo!"

"Except for Hozier, who's always talking about worshipping Goddesses!" Artemis countered.

Athena sighed loudly. "This is tiresome. Just take Aphrodite's suggestion. He can only make a bad decision."

As usual, no one listened to Hestia’s suggestions, and she was just left pitying the poor mortal who was unfortunate enough to attract the gods’ attention.


	2. Chapter 2

Andrew inhaled deeply, the smell of moist earth filling his nose. It was a soothing smell, one that made him feel at home. Out here, walking among the trees, the wildness of celebrity and the stress of tour were distant. The forest was wild too, but in a different way, a way that he found comforting. It was a place where he could feel at peace despite the chaos of the world.

Well, it _was_ , until the ground began to shake underneath his feet.

“What the _fuck_?”

He grabbed onto a tree branch for support as a jolt nearly knocked him off his feet. “What the _fuck_?” he repeated.

The shaking stopped as suddenly as it began, but Andrew had no time to steady his nerves before a glowing man materialized in front of him on the forest path, hovering a few feet off the ground on winged sandals. He tried to say “What the fuck?” for the third time, but he found his mouth had gone dry.

The man unrolled a scroll.

“Be not afraid, mortal. I am Hermes, the messenger of Olympus, and I come to name you arbiter, that you may put an end to this warring of gods. I command you in the power of Zeus, declare which god – Apollo, Born of Light, or Artemis, the Divine Huntress – shall be your patron.” He took a breath. “Alright, I’m done. Peace.” He flashed a peace sign, and then disappeared.

Hermes. Olympus. Zeus. Apollo. Artemis. Half-remembered myths swirled in Andrew’s brain, and he didn’t let go of the tree branch.

Two figures, a man and a woman, materialized in front of him. The woman looked around at the trees and smiled. “This is my domain, Apollo. You cannot challenge me here.”

“Ha!” the man – Apollo! – said. “Just wait until I make my case to the mortal. I can be very persuasive.” He winked at Andrew. “Hey there, handsome. I see you know how to…handle the wood.” He gestured to the tree branch.

Artemis burst out laughing. “Wow. Smooth.”

“He literally said that in a song!”

“That doesn’t make it any less of a stupid pickup line.”

Andrew let go of the tree branch and cleared his throat, trying to find his voice.

“Ehm.”

The two gods looked at him, and the filler word hung in the air awkwardly. He tried to find something else to say, and he tried to make his mouth say it, but that was it. That was all he had in him.

“I call dibs on making my case first,” Artemis finally said, breaking the silence.

“Dammit,” Apollo said resignedly.

Artemis levitated off the ground, glowing in a silvery light that enveloped Andrew.

“Choose me, Andrew,” she intoned. “Forget the arrogant god Apollo, who will use you and lose you as readily as the sun rises and sets. You have no need of his blessing, for that which he would give is what you already possess. Choose, instead, she whose domain is the wilderness you adore, the protector of women and children and all those who suffer from injustice.” Images of wild animals scampered through the mist, and scenes of protest played out in front of him. Andrew nodded in understanding. She was right.

“I do not often give my favor to men, but you, Andrew, you are unique. You have become beloved by my lesbian sisters and demonstrated a respect for them and for all women that far surpasses the – admittedly low – standard of mortal men. I will grant you secret knowledge of the ways that women love to be loved, so that you may write music honoring me and my lesbian brethren. I will give you the power and knowledge to become the greatest ally to the LGBT community that the mortal world has seen. No one will ever deem you ‘problematic’, for they will fear my wrath and authority. Choose me, Andrew, and I will make you an icon of virtue, a beacon of hope for the all those who seek to correct injustice.”

She finished with a flourish and the silver mist dissipated.

“My turn!” Apollo said eagerly, conjuring up a brighter flash of golden light to surround him and Andrew.

“Choose me, Andrew,” Apollo purred in what Andrew presumed was a supposed to be in a seductive way. “Forget Artemis – lesbians may like you, but you’re not one of them, and any gifts she can offer you will be useless. Instead, choose the man that gave the world that which you love most – music.” Music began to play, jazz and soul and funk and rock songs flowing into each other in a melodious stream. Andrew swayed slowly, and Apollo grinned.

“What about the poets?” he said. Words appeared in the mist. “Choose me, and I can grant you even more wonderous gifts of music and poetry than those which you already possess, and fame and worldwide acclaim out of your wildest dreams.”

He stepped closer and traced his finger down Andrew’s jaw. “You will find that being the lover of a god has its advantages and unique…pleasures.”

Andrew’s eyes widened, and his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down.

The golden light dissipated, and Apollo moved back to stand next to Artemis.

“Now, make your decision!” Apollo said, sounding very chipper, like he was sure Andrew would pick him.

Artemis grinned, as if she was certain Andrew would pick her. “Yeah, Andrew…make your decision.”

Andrew scratched his chin thoughtfully, weighing his chances. "Just – Just to be clear…if I pick one of you, the other's going to make my life hell, right?”

The two gods looked thoughtful.

“I suppose I _would_ feel the need to punish you for spurning me,” Apollo finally admitted. “Not to bias your decision or anything.”

“I guess I _would_ feel as though you had betrayed the lesbians,” Artemis agreed. “And you should know that I don’t take kindly to men who cross me. Just ask Acteon.”

Andrew nodded. “Gotcha. So, ehm…I can’t accept either offer.”

“ _WHAT?!_ ” the gods chorused.

“How dare you!” Artemis cried.

“You’ve made a terrible mistake,” Apollo said, a low fire beginning to blaze in his eyes.

Andrew’s heartbeat pounded in his ears. He’d wildly miscalculated, and in hindsight it was quite stupid to assume that the Greek gods would take rejection. He struggled to find a way to smooth things over. “I’m…I’m super flattered though!” he added, putting his hands up in a please-don’t-hurt-me gesture. “Please don’t misunderstand me!”

He turned to Artemis. “Artemis, I – I love and respect my lesbian fans so much, and of course, I totally feel that connection to the natural world.” He put a hand to his chest. “I – I have a _huge_ amount of respect for you and everything you’re about. But…”

“ _But?_ ” she said.

“I think if you’re, ehm, a protector of marginalized people, you have more important things to do than help me. There are so many people out there, so many young LGBT people in difficult situations who are struggling, who could use the protection of a goddess like you more than I could. I’m fine, in comparison. You should help them instead.”

Artemis’s eyes went wide with shock and anger. “How _dare_ you tell me how I should use my powers, mortal!”

“Just…just a suggestion,” Andrew said meekly.

An unearthly silver light enveloped her, and she began growing tall, until she loomed over Andrew. “You have made a grave mistake in turning me down, Andrew,” she said, her voice resonating. “If you waver in your principles, Twitter mobs ‘canceling’ you will be the least of your worries. I will recall how you deserted me and defied me, and I will exact my revenge, on behalf of all the people you will have let down. Do not forget me.” She disappeared in a flash of silver light.

Andrew exhaled. “Well, _fuck_ ,” he muttered to himself..

He turned around to face Apollo, who leaned against a tree in an artfully casual pose, eyes narrowed in an attempt at a sexy smolder.

“So…we’re alone. Going to reconsider?” Apollo licked his lips suggestively.

Andrew shook his head. “Again, I’m super flattered. I mean, you’re the god of music a-and poetry who inspired s-so many of the greats, that…that means _so_ much. But, y’know, I think I’m doing well with right now with what I’ve got. I don’t need more talent or success.”

Apollo pouted, in a way that was probably supposed to be sexy. “But…you know I didn’t _just_ offer you patronage. Does _that_ not tempt you at all?” He bit his lower lip.

Andrew swallowed nervously. It was hard enough letting someone down easy when they were just a human, let alone a god who would wreak vengeance if he said the wrong thing. Heck, there was no guarantee that anything Andrew said would prevent that, at least judging from the way Artemis had reacted.  

“Well, you’re, ehm, very handsome, and, ehm, again, it’s – it’s super flattering that you’d be interested in me because you’re so, like powerful. But…I’ve just – I’ve just heard that god/human relationships tend not to work out. Y’know, like, there’s the ‘whole one of you is immortal and the other isn’t’ thing.”

Andrew was not good at this ‘laying it on thick’ thing.

Apollo waved his hand. “There are ways that can be fixed.” He stepped closer. “Think of it Andrew – you could be a _god_!” he purred.

“I don’t want to be a god.” _I also highly doubt you’d actually do that_.

“So…” Apollo said slowly. “Is there _really_ nothing I could offer that would tempt you?” He brushed a strand of hair out of Andrew’s face, and Andrew flinched away.

“Uh, yeah,” Andrew said. “You’re great and all, but I’m – I’m not interested. Sorry.”

Fuck. That wasn’t as diplomatic as Andrew had hoped it would be.

Apollo’s eyebrows raised in shock, and he stepped backwards, golden light beginning to swirl around him as he grew, like Artemis had, to a towering height. “You will regret spurning me, mortal,” Apollo intoned, his voice ringing through the woods. “I hold the fate of your music career in my hands. As easily as I could grant you fame and fortune and talent, I can take it away.”

Oh, _fuck_. This was bad. This was very bad.

“I’m sorry!” Andrew squeaked.

Apollo shook his massive head. “You are beyond apologies.” He pointed a finger at Andrew. “I curse you, Andrew Hozier-Byrne, to never have a hit song ever again in all your career!”

Thunder crackled in the distance, despite the clear sky.

“Do not forget me, my love,” Apollo said, then vanished in a flash of bright golden light.

Light spots danced in and out of his vision, and his head began to spin. It was a wonder he hadn’t been blinded, seeing as it was the aura of a god. Oh god. Oh _gods_. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” he said.

He leaned on a tree for support, breathing heavily. What had he _done_? The Greek gods were real, he’d just met two of them, and he managed to piss them both off!

A chuckle burst out of him unexpectedly. It _was_ kind of ridiculous, saying it like that. Sure, they seemed powerful, but how much of a threat could Greek gods really be? They’d hardly be at the peak of their power.

And what kind of curses _were_ those, anyway? Artemis was going to smite him if he stopped being an activist, but he wasn’t exactly planning on doing that ever. Apollo would prevent him from getting another pop hit, but he didn’t really want pop hits in the first place.

His chuckling escalated to full-on laughter.

He’d pissed off the Greek gods, and they had fucking _deserved_ it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter up tomorrow!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, got busy this weekend with pride stuff. Just a quick little conclusion, spotlighting a particular underrated goddess.

“He had the _nerve_ to tell me how to use my powers!”

“He didn’t want to be a god! There was nothing I could do to tempt him!”

“Thoroughly disrespectful, he’ll pay for this!”

“So ungrateful! Doesn’t he know that he owes everything to me?”

Hestia – and Athena and Aphrodite – listened intently as Artemis and Apollo recounted the tale of their encounter with Andrew Hozier-Byrne. It was rare for the gods to directly contact mortals nowadays, and situations where mortals refused godly help were even rarer. Hestia guessed that this would be hot news on Olympus for months, maybe years.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Athena said sympathetically, patting Artemis on the shoulder. “He had no idea how lucky he was to be a man favored by _you_.”

“Well, now he’s not favored,” Artemis said, crossing her arms. “Men suck.”

“They do,” Athena agreed.

Aphrodite rolled her eyes. “Men don’t suck, this man just didn’t know what he had.” She patted Apollo on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, there are other mortals out there with better taste.”

“Or worse taste,” Artemis added.

Apollo groaned. “You know he turned you down too, right?”

“He can be right about one thing and not others,” Artemis said defensively.

Hestia finally saw an opportunity to speak up. “Hey, now. There’s no use arguing over who he should’ve picked, the past is the past. If anything, this should be an opportunity for you two to strengthen your sibling relationship.”

Artemis and Apollo considered her point.

“Hmm,” Apollo said. “Could be like when we took on Niobe.”

Artemis cracked a smile. “That bitch.”

Hestia’s heart sank. That wasn’t what she meant.

“Can you _believe_ Andrew laughed after we left? How fucking _arrogant_ of him,” Apollo said.

Artemis scoffed. “Oh, he thinks this is funny, huh? I wonder if he’ll still be laughing when I turn him into a pile of ash!”

Apollo high-fived his sister. “I’ll be right beside you.”

Could Hestia have reasonably expected anything different, though? It seemed like the only time anyone on Olympus got along was when they had a common enemy.

She’d never understood it. She never really wanted power and tons of worshippers. She wasn’t really a competitive person. All she just wanted to use the little bit of influence she had for good, to provide people a bit of warmth and comfort. She didn’t often succeed at stopping the other gods from wreaking havoc, but she could at least try to not join in.

She smiled to herself. _Of course_ they didn’t understand why Andrew laughed. But she did.


End file.
